He is one of India's biggest superstars but Bollywood actor Shahrukh Khan says it is lonely at the top and he is constantly fighting with the "feeling of emptiness". "There is something wrong in me. I sense it. I feel it but I don't know what it is," Shahrukh said during the ThinkFest conclave, an annual event, in Goa.
"I have a beautiful family. I have a few friends with whom I spend lot of time. I don't want to die like my father. I don't want to be unknown. I would like to be just successful. Believe me it is lonely at the top." Shahrukh, who turned 47 recently, is in the process of giving final touches to his autobiography.
"Somehow there is this feeling of emptiness. I have this restlessness, strangeness, which I fill up with my acting." The actor, who lost his father at the age of 15, recalled how his family was always short of money in his childhood.
"Once, my father took me to show a cinema in Delhi. He did not have enough money. We sat near Kamati auditorium and he told me that it is wonderful to see the vehicles passing. When I want to take my son out for a movie I should be able to show him the movie and not the cars," Shahrukh said.
He has been ruling the film industry since his successful debut with 1992 film Deewana but Shahrukh says he always had a fear of failure that his father went through. "I think my father was most successful failure in the world and I am proud of him," the actor said, adding that his father was a "handsome Pathan". Shahrukh also got nostalgic about the moment when his father died and his body was brought home. "My sister just collapsed and for the next two years she did not recover from the shock. She didn't cry but she could not face the reality of our father's death," he said.
"A lot of things which are Bollywood-like or flamboyant in me are actually to cover up my emotions. I don't have guts to be so simple. To avoid depression I act." Shahrukh said that 90 percent of the things which he depicts in the films are experiences of his life.